What is your role in your home? Are you a peacemaker? A chef? Are you the brains? Or are you the brawn? Are you the refuge in the storm? Or are you causing the storm? I have caused quite a few storms in my marriage and want to share with you my journey to be the heart of the home.
I have wanted to write this post for awhile. I have really been contemplating my role in our home lately. I truly believe women are supposed to be the heart of the home. Not that they can’t lead, or shouldn’t make decisions, but that they really should model peace, love, and kindness in their home. If I learned one thing from watching all the seasons of “Wife Swap” is that the wife sets the tone, mood, and feel of the home. If she is harsh, the children and husband are generally scared and also react harshly. If the wife is obsessed with a sport, craft, or hobby, so is everyone else. If the wife is not fulfilled, everyone feels her discontentment. I think the phrase, “If momma isn’t happy, no one is happy,” is wiser than I realized.
What tone do you set for your home? If your curious, ask the other people in your household or a trusted friend. If the words “tiger” and “mom” are in the same sentence you may want to continue reading. For some women the error might not be as obvious. Being perpetually busy, always stressed, disinterested in life, obsessed with the wrong things, and more can set a bad tone in your home. As a the woman in the house you don’t have to be a mom to be an influencer in your home. I have no kids, but I realized that the tone I have set in our home is as I say “no bueno!”
It took me awhile to realize my faults, however, four years I have been on the wrong path and I just now realized it. My husband has been gone most of the time now for about two years and I have taken on all the roles in our home. I didn’t set out in our married life trying to rule the home. I just noticed that when he was gone all the time everything fell on me. This is no excuse for being a controlling super ninny, but this is how it happened. Now when he comes home I have a hard time letting go and letting him take over. When did I become such a controlling wife? So what if he makes a mistake? Isn’t that how I learned? Isn’t that how I grew as a person? By trying things and making mistakes? I should have realized the tone I was setting was one of business and to-do lists. When I am constantly working to try to catch up with the ever growing workload I don’t take time for the things in life that matter most.
My mother in law Jennie and I had a heart to heart a few months ago and something she said didn’t really hit me until recently. She said she was afraid to call me because she knew how busy and stressed I always was. She didn’t want to bother me. How could I not see that! People are afraid to call me because they know I am barely keeping my head afloat! It’s my fault entirely that I am here. That I have set an improper tone in our marriage. I have always chosen to try to get everything done. Thinking if I could just work a bit harder, one day I will be done and can rest. But here’s the kicker, I am never done! I have never been done and will never be done. That’s life! Right now my to do list spans three pages. I mean BIG pages, like the 8 1/2 by 11 type of pages lol. But I am making it a priority to write to you all because I really feel like this is important.
Don’t make the mistakes I made. The house doesn’t have to be perfect, the laundry will be there tomorrow (unless you don’t have clean underwear and in that case, please, do the laundry), and your tv show can be watched on netflix five months from now. I feel like women, myself included, have forgotten the most important thing in life, LOVE! It’s the people that matter! You can literally take NOTHING to the grave with you, but you can live on through the impact you made on others in your life. That starts at home, but it’s also the hardest to do at home. I know that most people treat their closest family and friends the worst. Why is that? That we give our best to the people we will never see again, but we cannot be kind and gentle with our own family? Please don’t stop reading because I have really great news!
Even if you have been the abominable snowman in your household you can change. You can be the wife, mother, daughter, and friend you were intended to be. I would never bring you down and then not show you the way back up! I know it’s hard, but there are ways you can change and make your household the safe, loving, and joyful place it’s supposed to be.
1. Search for the areas you need to work on.
-This could be anger, sadness, lack of energy, hostility, judgement, laziness, disorganization, business, harshness, too high expectations, etc.
-Ask your family what they would like to see you change and you can’t get mad!
-If you can ask your parents or a trusted friend. I am lucky enough to have both who are not afraid to tell me what’s what! 🙂
2. Make a physical list of the traits or qualities that are negatively impacting others in your home.
-Since your home isn’t perfect I am going to assume there will be other’s who may test your resolve and patience, but remember, it’s your home. No matter what hubby or the kids do, it’s you who will make the biggest impact in the long run, if you can make it!
3. List out things you can do on a daily basis to combat those traits and write them out next to each one.
-For business I wrote that I will never turn down time with others to do things that don’t have to be done that day.
I also wrote that I will take time for myself to workout or do other things I need to do in order to take care of myself.
-Next to unloving, I wrote that I need to find the love languages of the people in my life by the end of the week, so if you don’t get a call or text, please send me your list, I would love to know! (If your not sure what love languages are, please look up the book and read it! It’s pretty dead on. Basically it says that everyone has different ways of giving and receiving love. Most people don’t receive love the same way. For example, please don’t buy me gifts, they do nothing for me, but sit and talk to me for an hour and I will feel so loved! But my friend Kate on the other hand loves gifts and they make her feel special and loved. So for each person it’s unique, but knowing that information about others can help you to be a better friend, mother, lover, daughter, and whatever else you happen to be.)
In addition to finding out their love languages I wrote that I need to do something with that knowledge. I need to say the things I feel, or send the gifts that I think of when I am shopping, or just spend the time I would like to with the people I love.
-I could keep going, but trust me, you don’t want me to!
4. Put the list where you can see it everyday, and don’t be afraid to tell your family what you’re working on in order to get accountability and support. I am sure they will be excited and it might encourage them to do the same. One of the greatest qualities my parent’s instilled in Rini and I was a drive to be better. We constantly saw them working on improving themselves while we were growing up and we definitely never forgot.
Please feel free to comment or contact us with any ideas or questions. We would love to hear from you all.
In addition, the woman is the heart of the home spiritually. If you want to change your home for good in the best and purest way possible start praying for yourself and your family. The loving, kind, peaceful woman you want to be can be found through God’s love and searching for Him is the quickest way to change your home. It happened in mine and I will never forget how amazing it was to see the changes unfolding in our lives. I just hope that over time I can learn to be the woman who God wants me to be for my family. I am also thankful for the friends He has brought me who are such great role models in their own homes!